Can I Be Doctor by Proxy?

Author at Sipi falls in Kapchorwa, Uganda

A few weeks ago, I entered an office in Kampala and a people there mistakenly referred to me as doctor. I did not bother correcting her. Even when I was exiting the building she gave me “gooddbye doctor” look which I took with grace.

 

That mistaken identity raised my ego, and since then, I have been trying so hard to become a doctor. I thought about completing the Masters and going for further studies to gain a PHD but that is a tall order and will take me a lot of time.

 

I contemplated becoming a witch-doctor but I think my Catholic faith may not allow.

 

So, after a lot of thinking, I and my team* have resolved that I explore further a possibility of becoming a medical doctor.

 

This brought back memories of my graduate bachelors degree at Islamic University In Uganda. I was admitted in 2012 but didn't graduate until 2017; a whooping five years. My cousin who knew my struggle with tuition sacarstically asked, “Are you doing medicine?”

 

Therefore (in Museveni's voice), after spending all those years at University, I think I can rightfully become a doctor; specialising in herbal medicine and treatment.

 

At least I can treat some diseases like mutobolya. Then there is this other disease; I don't know its English name but we call it “malenge” here in Mbale. These are diseases I can easilly treat without much thought or research.

 

Indeed mutobolya heals when the doctor makes the patient dance around a tree called muurukuru while malenge needs hot malwa. We call it “ipau” in Lugisu!

Why I wish I had Voted For NRM - Satire

 Today, I awoke filled with remorse, indeed repentant. How I wish I had voted for NRM on January 14th, 2021; my life would be far better.

Hon. Robert Kyagulanyi Ssentamu

I stand at the grocery store and watch jealously as NRM supporters buy soap cheaply, at 3,000/ while I am supposed to pay 7,000 for the same soap. I decide to buy a piece, they buy a bar.

How I regret supporting Hon Kyagulanyi Ssentamu Robert. Last week, I walked into a government Health Centre for medical attention. lo, the doctor tells me that they don't have any medicine for us. All NRM supporters nowadays just cruise past us, as they head to outside countries for malaria treatment.

On Thursday, the 14th of January is when my fate was sealed. As I imbibe myself into loans and go around fundraising to pay my tuition, all NRM supporters who wish to study are grabbing themselves scholarships to universities of their choice. I wish I had voted for the old man.

Currently, all the NRM supporters and their relatives are scooping juicy jobs in government; permanent and pensionable, all without paying a bribe. I doubt whether there is any jobless NRM supporter. Lucky them.

When I walk on our narrow roads, when I move in PSVs driven by unqualified persons, I know that anytime, I can be a victim of a road accident. In Uganda, accidents kill at least 10 opposition supporters every day as our NRM colleagues cruise in serviced and well-maintained SUVs on wider roads. It was indeed a mistake not to belong to NRM.

Honestly, how could I, having spent 20 years in school, sitting in more than 6 schools of economics support and vote for Bobi who could not articulate fiscal policy? Right now, while NRM supporters, whose leader doesn't even need to tell us what fiscal policy he applies, are enjoying life tax-free, we are paying exorbitant taxes; including taxes on tax.

Engule which we were promised has turned into a Crown of thorns like one worn by Jesus at Golgotha. 

Please NRM brothers and sisters, we know that you're in “the thing”. But let politics not separate us, share whatever you're enjoying that side.

Indeed, if you so want, I can denounce Bobi so that just like you, I sail through life accessing cheap goods, and services, getting uncountable scholarships and going abroad for treatment. 

Just yesterday we stopped at a Petrol Station and saw NRM supporters paying 2k for a liter of petrol for which we paid 5,230. Can't I request Mzei to remove my vote from Bobi and add it to his?

Even the current scourge of armyworms is only attacking opposition supporters’ gardens, but we are all Ugandans!