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| Miss Daisy Nagudi poses for a photo on Republic Street (Facebook photo) |
Mbale as a city is finally operational. But due to the scavenging COVID-19, the city has not been welcomed with the well known kadodi and fiesta which envelopes Mbale when people are supposed to be happy. It is even more annoying that COVID-19 cannot allow our "Road Meir Zanywa" to address us about the new developments and probably unwrap the benefits accruing to the attainment of such status. But as a city enthusiast, I want to preempt what our "Meir" was too shy to tell us on this spectacular achievement.
We have tried, as a Council of Mbale City Enthusiasts (CMCE) to compile ten expected benefits and we shall present them to you one by one from one up to ten. We don't want anyone to be shocked when you find yourself with a bouquet so huge that you cannot hold.
Presenting the expected benefits as compiled by CMCE
1. City status
From today, all dwellers and those born in Mbale should edit their addresses to add the word "city". Failure to honor this shall attract a heavy penalty which may be as heavy as banishment from the city.
2. Jobs
Having been declared a city, all "dirty jobs" and those jobs which endanger lives of the city dwellers shall be reserved for people from outside the city. People who work in despisable positions like Executive Directors, Human Resource Managers, Banking officers, Engineers, Doctors, nurses, teachers, lawyers et cetera will be reserved for non-city dwellers. The city dwellers shall be expected to engage in prestigious occupations such as sports betting, hanging around big politicians, being political assistants and running social media pages. Basically, city dwellers need to only involve themselves in those jobs which don't cause stress and strain.
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| Mbale Clock Tower- the Central point of the Town - Daily Monitor |
3. Weekly Allowances
We shall be entitled to a weekly allowance. At first, this allowance was supposed to come monthly but we factored in the need for weekly recuperation until our propensity to save improves. There is no specific amount set for the allowances, they will depend on your needs. These allowances shall be a preserve for only those who opt not to work. If anyone is tired of working, they can just sit at home, send in their weekly requisition to the city finance director and the money shall be instantly wired to your account.
4. Administration
In fact, Zanywa who is our first "Meir" was not born in Mbale. We shall not allow our own people to administer Mbale City. We shall be hiring people from other parts of Uganda and make them "Road Meirs", Councilors, RCC, and those other administrative positions. We shall not afford the indignity of our own being a Member of Parliament to endure long hours in the National assembly and yet you need to spend time with your family. Therefore, people from Busiu, Bungokho and Bufumbo should prepare themselves to come and do this administrative work of the city as we chill.
5. Marriage and family
Marriage shall be compulsory to all people and the city shall have a special budget to facilitate marriage functions from home to the church. We shall then treat you to all expense-paid honeymoon in Bahamas. We want to simplify life for our people. Otherwise, what is the city for if it cannot offer paradise to its people? One can even marry more than once in a year but can only be married to one person at ago.
Because we understand the side effects of child birth, all children shall be born through surrogacy if approved by religious leaders who are still under lockdown.
6. Education
With this kind of life, what do you need education for? When our citizens want to move out of the city to alien places where they cannot speak Lugisu, they shall be availed a translator. So long as one knows how to post on Facebook and hurl some insults at opposing politicians, that is enough! The money which would otherwise be wasted on education shall be spent on facilitating brothels and paying for our people's luxuries.
7. Medical Care
We shall set up the best hospitals but outside outside the city. Generally, we don't like the smell of medicine and contagion from health officers. We shall therefore purchase land from surrounding districts and set up magnificent hospitals which shall be run by doctors who do not reside in the city. Whoever falls sick shall immediately be picked and dumped in the hospital for care.
8. Religion
We are tying to figure out whether we actually need different buildings for different religions especially those who pray on different days and those who pray on the same days and to the same god. We think that we can use the same building on Monday for witchdoctors, Tuesday for Budhists, Friday for Muslims, Saturday for the SDA and then Sunday for the Christians. This selfishness which makes people build prayer houses next to each other shall not be tolerated. If this fails, we can hire descendants of guys who built the Tower of Babel to put up a single structure for all religions to occupy but on different floors.
9. Housing
All land and houses shall belong to the City Authority and therefore, you can sleep anywhere you wish to. If you went to Bukonde and it gets dark when you're there, just look for a house and occupy, sleep and own it for that night. We want to return the good old life of hunting and grazing. Sleep wherever darkness finds you, all houses belong to the city center.
10. Transport
We don't need roads and railways. We just need an airport for those people who will be landing in from villages. Don't expect the city council to fix those potholes and repair the outdated railway, we shall have a transport system never seen before.
However, as you await the fulfillment of these fantasies, you must remember that it all comes down to you, as an individual. This rubbish-town maybe elevated to whichever status there is, but the challenges in your life will only be met by personal effort. It will take your individual courage to thrive; consistent, bold steps that you take everyday is what will make you.
And maybe, you may also choose to live as a villager or a rascal in the so-called city!
